Wednesday, 8 August 2018

Dear August: A Girl Called Lost

Dear August,

I. Feel. Lost.

It has taken me eight days. More than a full week. To finally write to you. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to, because I am happy to see you again, you are the month of respite and peace in between two ridiculously busy months after all. However this year I am feeling undeniably lost.

2018 has not been a great year for me, so far and it’s easy to look at all of the bad that I have dealt with this year. So much has changed and continues to change sometimes on a daily basis and it kinda scares me. Life feels so in limbo right now. I feel trapped in between the complete low-point I reached earlier in the year, and this unknown future. This empty page of a future that I cannot visualise at all.

In three months time, I will be turning 35 years old and I always thought that by my mid-thirties I would have my life sussed out, but I really don't.

I have always been aware that I haven't lived my life the way other people around me have. I have always felt like I was one step behind in terms of getting my career off the ground, getting married etc. 

The only part of my life that feels like it's where it should be is: my career: I'm far beyond where I ever expected to be as a writer. It is everything else just feels so up in the air. Now, I have a failed marriage and I don't know what it is that I want in my life.

The ex-hubby and I are still really good friends (best friends in fact), which I know a lot of people find confusing, but we didn't fall out, no one cheated on anyone. Nope, we were just at very different places in our lives and agreed that we were no longer happy together as a couple.

People don't seem to understand us remaining friends, however, I spent 12 years of my life with this guy. He has been by my side through a heck of a lot of stuff: both the highs and the lows, and as such I trust him more than almost anyone.

I currently feel like I'm struggling through an identity crisis because officially I am my married name, but I wasn't called that long enough to feel like it belongs to me. However, returning to my maiden name just feels like a huge step backward in life.

What exactly do I want? What are my life goals?

Do I want kids? At almost 35, I still don't know.

Will I ever own a house? Probably not. Am I bothered? Not really.

I guess I still feel like this free spirit, whose only regret is not travelling more. I wish I had had the opportunity to travel more in my early 20s, but I guess I sacrificed that by refusing to ditch my career choice meaning there was no way I could afford to travel when I was younger.

Help me figure my shit out August!!

Love,

Me x


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